Monday, November 26, 2007

A Year Without Mom

A year has past since I said the final goodbye to my mom. It was at 4:29AM. She had suffered so much and I knew it was time to let her go. As she lay silently, I whispered to her that it was okay for her to go. After 2 shallow breaths she was gone. That seems so long ago and yet seems like yesterday in so many ways.

I've had a year to reflect on all the good times and to wish for all the times that could have been. I remember how strange it felt not to celebrate Christmas with her. And I recalled all the Christmas's past when she would come to our house to celebrate with us. As I felt the pain of her absence I knew that I needed to remember all the good times and not let myself dwell on the sadness.

I moved through the next few months staying busy at my job and trying not to wish for all the times that would never be again. There were times the tears would stream down my cheeks as I drove the commute home....Tears of sadness that she was forever gone and there were so many things we failed to say... Tears of wishes for all the times we didn't have. Tears of regret for all the times when we were both too busy to call or see each other.

Mom and I were never close and I wanted that so very much. As the years past we grew further apart and I so wanted that closeness that was forever out of my reach. During Mom's final months we grew closer but I didn't realize until after she was gone that she kept so much to herself... I now realize that it was to protect me from the pain.

One day right before Mother's Day I was shopping and as I passed the cards I realized that I would never buy my mom a Mother's Day card again. The pain was deep as the reality became apparent to me.

Does the pain lessen? I don't know. There are times when I am alone and times when daily activities cause my thought to drift to my mom. I have learned to allow myself five minutes of tears then I move past the sadness. I am so very blessed with a wonderful family, one that I am proud of and that helps keep me strong.

This year has had some wonderful moments - ones I have shared with my family and ones where Tracie Lyn and I have had some fabulous adventures. These moments have made the year one of memories that I will always cherish and hold dear.

I realized as I made the art piece that I didn't know my mom's favorite color. I guessed it to be blue because she wore a lot of blue and always gravitated to blue in her home. But I never asked her so I don't know for sure. The picture is my mom in the middle with my sister, Jill, and me on either side. It is the only picture I have of the three of us. I cherish it!

To My Mom:

I miss you, Mom.
I miss the days we didn't have
And I cherish the days we did.
I will forever love you.
Your memory is forever living in my heart and mind.



Maija said...

OK, you can imagine that I sit here sobbing. You were able to articulate so many of our feelings in a way I can't.I'm not alone in the way I feel. You have been on my mind all day, dear friend. I love you, Marylin! ox

mamas*little*treasures said...

Marilyn - I just discovered your blog as I was wandering around blog land . . . . which I don't get to do very often. We share so many interests and experiences, I would love to sit and chat for a while :o) This post was so touching, so real, so honest . . .. . hope you are doing feeling joyful today, although I know the pain will always be right at the edges of your heart and soul. Thanks for sharing, nina

Dianne said...

I have tears in my eyes Marylin! Such a beautiful, heartfelt,honest post. My thoughts are with you!

mamas*little*treasures said...

Good morning! After I read your post I wandered around your blog for a while . . . . of my goodness, I LOVE your fabric work! I am so inspired! I have been a quilter and a seamstress for many years (I think we might be about the same age based on some of the things you have written!) - and most recently I have been designing children's clothing and writing eBook patterns. I'm so glad I found you - your work is just gorgeous, and I'm motivated now to perhaps get involved with some other fiber art organizations. My girls are almost old enough now that I will be having some time to be more active in that kind of thing. I was a teacher at our local community college for several years before we adopted our girls, so maybe some day I can do some teaching in this area as well. See how you've inspired me!!!! Have a restful and blessed Sunday. I'll be back for a visit soon. Nina
PS I'm going to add a link to your blog on my blog so that some of my visitors can see your beautiful work!

Lori S-C said...

beautiful and touching...


Barbara said...

..touching my heart...memories of my mum, my dad, my husband, my sister...memories of days where all these persons were around me....memories of talking, laughing , my days are also sometimes full of sadness ...but I let the tears come out because sadness is a part of our life and happiness too.....I am always saying: It's ok! Warmly Barbara